sigh.
i am the most evilest person alive.

not a fantastic day for me.
stayed up all night to do two essays.
ended up doing just the one.
ended up cancelling shift - there goes my cash.
went to hand in the papers and realise that i am doomed.
i wn't elaborate.

no sleep makes me crazy.
and cranky.
i wandered how it felt like to feel steel hit me at 50km/h. while i was walking down the road.
feeling of doom had nothing to do with seemingly suicidal tendencies.

my eyes are red.
i have three-four more essays left to do.
hooray.
oh gawd.my eyes.

In celebration of Halloween, the lecturers have gathered to create the most convincing Hell here in NTU. What with all the essays being due this coming next two weeks, the presentations that need preparing for and all the projects that keep getting foiled by the clash of schedules this is the Hell especially for Academics (who says that scholars don't go to Hell - even the Church thought that scientists deserved Hell HAHA. why am I laughing? it was obviously without mirth. dramatic effectis so overrated).

let me list down all of the stuff i need to do (and ironically should be doing at this precise moment instead of blogging)

1) HL235: The pragmatics of Rhetoric and Reading; Stylistic analysis of a selected text - 1600-2000 words
2) HL 228 19th C American Lit; 2500 word essay
3) HL 201 Medieval Literature; 1800 - 2500 words
4) HL 201 medieval Lit Short response paper to be presented worth 800 words?
5) CDP101 Intro to Drama Journal Entries worth 2500
6) CDP 101 Intro to Drama Play Review worth 2500
7) CDP 101 Intro to Drama Final Play Presentation for Brechtian Plays; 10 mins

yes. how nice. Twin Hell weeks it shall be. and then exams soon after. No sleep for me then.
Tra lalala.

a powerful song worth knowing. I put this up cause i figured it's along the same feministic theme that my essay will be exploring...

"Sister Blister"

You and me we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
Cuz you and me: competitive to the bone
Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured
With the state this land is in
You and me feel joined only by gender
We are not all for one and one for all
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in
You and me estranged from the mother
You and me have felt impotent in our skin
You and me have taken it out on each other
You and me disloyal to the feminine
Such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come
With how strong we've been
You and me are on this pendulum together
You and me with scarcity still fueling
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in
We may not have priorities same
We may not even like each other
We may not be hugely anti-men
But such a cost to dishonor a sister
You and me have made it harder for the other
We forget how hard separatism has been
You and me we can help change their minds together
You and me in alignment until the end
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in


Alanis Morisette

Just an article that got me thinking of my own situation. This serves a reminder to me and perhaps to others who can and want to be reminded. NOT a ploy to convert.


Why the West craves materialism & why the East sticks to religion
By Imran Khan

My generation grew up at a time when colonial hang up was at its peak. Our older generation had been slaves and had a huge inferiority complex of the British. The school I went to was similar to all elite schools in Pakistan. Despite gaining independent, they were, and still are, producing replicas of public schoolboys rather than Pakistanis. I read Shakespeare, which was fine, but no Allama Iqbal — the national poet of Pakistan.

The class on Islamic studies was not taken seriously, and when I left school I was considered among the elite of the country because I could speak English and wore Western clothes. Despite periodically shouting ‘Pakistan Zindabad’ in school functions, I considered my own culture backward and religion outdated. Among our group if any one talked about religion, prayed or kept a beard he was immediately branded a Mullah. Because of the power of the Western media, our heroes were Western movie stars or pop stars.

When I went to Oxford already burdened with this hang up, things didn’t get any easier. At Oxford, not just Islam, but all religions were considered anachronism. Science had replaced religion and if something couldn’t be logically proved it did not exist. All supernatural stuff was confined to the movies. Philosophers like Darwin, who with his half-baked theory of evolution had supposedly disproved the creation of men and hence religion, were read and revered. Moreover, European history reflected its awful experience with religion. The horrors committed by the Christian clergy during the Inquisition era had left a powerful impact on the Western mind. To understand why the West is so keen on secularism, one should go to places like Cordoba in Spain and see the torture apparatus used during the Spanish Inquisition. Also the persecution of scientists as heretics by the clergy had convinced the Europeans that all religions are regressive.

However, the biggest factor that drove people like me away from religion was the selective Islam practiced by most of its preachers. In short, there was a huge difference between what they practiced and what they preached. Also, rather than explaining the philosophy behind the religion, there was an overemphasis on rituals. I feel that humans are different to animals. While, the latter can be drilled, humans need to be intellectually convinced. That is why the Qur’an constantly appeals to reason. The worst, of course, was the exploitation of Islam for political gains by various individuals or groups.

Hence, it was a miracle I did not become an atheist. The only reason why I did not was the powerful religious influence my mother wielded on me since my childhood. It was not so much out of conviction but love for her that I stayed a Muslim. However, my Islam was selective. I accepted only parts of the religion that suited me. Prayers were restricted to Eid days and occasionally on Fridays, when my father insisted on taking me to the mosque with him. All in all I was smoothly moving to becoming a Pukka Brown Sahib. After all I had the right credentials in terms of school, university and, above all, acceptability in the English aristocracy, something that our brown sahibs would give their lives for.

So what led me to do a ‘lota’ on the Brown Sahib culture and instead become a ‘desi’?Well it did not just happen overnight. Firstly, the inferiority complex that my generation had inherited gradually went as I developed into a world-class athlete. Secondly, I was in the unique position of living between two cultures. I began to see the advantages and the disadvantages of both societies. In Western societies, institutions were strong while they were collapsing in our country.

However, there was an area where we were and still are superior, and that is our family life. I began to realize that this was the Western society’s biggest loss. In trying to free itself from the oppression of the clergy, they had removed both God and religion from their lives.While science, no matter how much it progresses, can answer a lot of questions — two questions it will never be able to answer: One, what is the purpose of our existence and two, what happens to us when we die? It is this vacuum that I felt created the materialistic and the hedonistic culture. If this is the only life then one must make hay while the sun shines — and in order to do so one needs money. Such a culture is bound to cause psychological problems in a human being, as there was going to be an imbalance between the body and the soul.

Consequently, in the US, which has shown the greatest materialistic progress while giving its citizens numerous rights, almost 60 percent of the population consult psychiatrists. Yet, amazingly in modern psychology, there is no study of the human soul. Sweden and Switzerland, who provide the most welfare to their citizens, also have the highest suicide rates. Hence, man is not necessarily content with material well being and needs something more. Since all morality has it roots in religion, once religion was removed, immorality has progressively grown since the 70s. Its direct impact has been on family life. In the UK, the divorce rate is 60 percent, while it is estimated that there are over 35 percent single mothers. The crime rate is rising in almost all Western societies, but the most disturbing fact is the alarming increase in racism. While science always tries to prove the inequality of man (recent survey showing the American Black to be genetically less intelligent than whites) it is only religion that preaches the equality of man. Between 1991 and 1997, it was estimated that total immigration into Europe was around 520,000, and there were racially motivated attacks all over, especially in Britain, France and Germany. In Pakistan during the Afghan war, we had over four million refugees, and despite the people being so much poorer, there was no racial tension.There was a sequence of events in the 80s that moved me toward God as the Qur’an says: "There are signs for people of understanding." One of them was cricket.

As I was a student of the game, the more I understood the game, the more I began to realize that what I considered to be chance was, in fact, the will of Allah. A pattern which became clearer with time. But it was not until Salman Rushdie’s "Satanic Verses" that my understanding of Islam began to develop. People like me who were living in the Western world bore the brunt of anti-Islam prejudice that followed the Muslim reaction to the book. We were left with two choices: fight or flight. Since I felt strongly that the attacks on Islam were unfair, I decided to fight. It was then I realized that I was not equipped to do so as my knowledge of Islam was inadequate. Hence I started my research and for me a period of my greatest enlightenment. I read scholars like Ali Shariati, Muhammad Asad, Iqbal, Gai Eaton, plus of course, a study of Qur’an.

I will try to explain as concisely as is possible, what "discovering the truth" meant for me. When the believers are addressed in the Qur’an, it always says, "Those who believe and do good deeds." In other words, a Muslim has dual function, one toward God and the other toward fellow human beings. The greatest impact of believing in God for me, meant that I lost all fear of human beings. The Qur’an liberates man from man when it says that life and death and respect and humiliation are God’s jurisdiction, so we do not have to bow before other human beings.

Moreover, since this is a transitory world where we prepare for the eternal one, I broke out of the self-imposed prisons, such as growing old (such a curse in the Western world, as a result of which, plastic surgeons are having a field day), materialism, ego, what people say and so on. It is important to note that one does not eliminate earthly desires. But instead of being controlled by them, one controls them. By following the second part of believing in Islam, I have become a better human being. Rather than being self-centered and living for the self, I feel that because the Almighty gave so much to me, in turn I must use that blessing to help the less privileged.

This I did by following the fundamentals of Islam rather than becoming a Kalashnikov-wielding fanatic.I have become a tolerant and a giving human being who feels compassion for the underprivileged. Instead of attributing success to myself, I know it is because of God’s will, hence I learned humility instead of arrogance. Also, instead of the snobbish Brown Sahib attitude toward our masses, I believe in egalitarianism and strongly feel against the injustice done to the weak in our society. According to the Qur’an, "Oppression is worse than killing." In fact only now do I understand the true meaning of Islam, if you submit to the will of Allah, you have inner peace.

Through my faith, I have discovered strength within me that I never knew existed and that has released my potential in life. I feel that in Pakistan we have selective Islam. Just believing in God and going through the rituals is not enough. One also has to be a good human being. I feel there are certain Western countries with far more Islamic traits than us in Pakistan, especially in the way they protect the rights of their citizens, or for that matter their justice system. In fact some of the finest individuals I know live there.

What I dislike about them is their double standards in the way they protect the rights of their citizens but consider citizens of other countries as being somehow inferior to them as human being, e.g. dumping toxic waste in the Third World, advertising cigarettes that are not allowed in the West and selling drugs that are banned in the West. One of the problems facing Pakistan is the polarization of two reactionary groups. On the one side is the Westernized group that looks upon Islam through Western eyes and has inadequate knowledge about the subject. It reacts strongly to anyone trying to impose Islam in society and wants only a selective part of the religion. On the other extreme is the group that reacts to this Westernized elite and in trying to become a defender of the faith, takes up such intolerant and self-righteous attitudes that are repugnant to the spirit of Islam.

What needs to be done is to somehow start a dialogue between the two extreme. In order for this to happen, the group on whom the greatest proportion of our educational resources are spent in this country must study Islam properly. Whether they become practicing Muslims or believe in God is entirely a personal choice. As the Qur’an tells us there is "no compulsion in religion." However, they must arm themselves with knowledge as a weapon to fight extremism. Just by turning up their noses at extremism the problem is not going to be solved.

The Qur’an calls Muslims "the middle nation", not of extremes. The Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) was told to simply give the message and not worry whether people converted or not, therefore, there is no question in Islam of forcing your opinions on anyone else. Moreover, we are told to respect other religions, their places of worship and their prophets. It should be noted that no Muslim missionaries or armies ever went to Malaysia or Indonesia. The people converted to Islam due to the high principles and impeccable character of the Muslim traders. At the moment, the worst advertisements for Islam are the countries with their selective Islam, especially where religion is used to deprive people of their rights.

In fact, a society that obeys fundamentals of Islam has to be a liberal one. If Pakistan’s Westernized class starts to study Islam, not only will it be able to help society fight sectarianism and extremism, but it will also make them realize what a progressive religion Islam is. They will also be able to help the Western world by articulating Islamic concepts. Recently, Prince Charles accepted that the Western world can learn from Islam. But how can this happen if the group that is in the best position to project Islam gets its attitudes from the West and considers Islam backward? Islam is a universal religion and that is why our Prophet (peace be upon him) was called a Mercy for all mankind.

(Internews)

Someone recently said to me, "If you didn't have your religion, you'd be waaaasssteed".

Would that be true I wonder... Is my nature so devoid of morality that even with the institutions of Faith; my faith that is, this baseness would still be blatantly obvious? Am I essentially a wild animal with no self-restraint? To NEED such imposition of laws to control me...

Or is it because of the imposition of these institutions that cause, motivate or spark my struggle in resisting the flow of its rule?

I understand that institutions generally may spark a wider argument, but in this one I am simply referring to the One Specific Institution that is my Faith.

I am sleepy and tomorrow morning I'm holding a class of P3 students whose works have yet to be marked and stickered. I shall hence retire. And surrender my Body to God.

"Just A Little Bit"

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there.

Just a little bit pretty
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember
Hiking up my skirt
Asking for your time

Clearly, clearly I remember
Nervous if ever confronted
And questioning myself

Perhaps, perhaps if I got better
Perhaps if I challenged myself
Perhaps if I was

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy

Maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember
Pulling up my shirt
Staring blank ahead

Clearly, clearly I remember
Days of useless crying
Almost feeling dead

Perhaps, perhaps if I was smaller
Perhaps, I could control myself
Perhaps if I was


maria mena

that heart disease worker had such pretty brown eyes. brown chocolatey warm eyes. aww. broke my heart in two when I had to refuse him, the donation scheme and those eyes.
awwwww...

Yes it was an all nighter. and while I was typing that, I am highly conscious of the fact that I only had 3 hours of sleep spread throughout today and am still typing this late entry. sometimes i think i resist sleep too much. maybe i think that when i finally do get into bed, it'll be much easier to fall deep and that i'll enjoy it all the more.

today's drama showing was good. fast. stumbled over some lines. but good. i need to move away from typecasting myself though. been doing too much motherly/auntie roles. they weren't easy. but i get restless to try something in the other direction. maybe now with Brechtian plays coming up i can try my hand at absurdist shit. i dunno if he really theorises about absurdism but, i know we are moving away from realism already. how refreshing is that?? reality is so overrated.
ha. right. am tired. i need. sleep.

gnight!

It's RECESS WEEK!
and with it comes tonnes of readings i need to catch up with. 19th C Amc Lit. Wadiak's Medieval Readings - namely, Troilus and Criseyde. And.. errmm. yea. the rest I've more or less been following dilligently. They all happen to be my morning classes. sigh. can NEVER wake up for those. NEVER. always so tough. Maybe i need to change my "nobody, nobody" alarm tone because now when i hear the alarm i start dancing rather than getting up to start the day. It's too likable an alarm tone. I need my old "WAKE UP FOR SCHOOOOOL! WAKE UP FOR SCHOOL! WAKE UP! FOR SCHOOOL!" alarm. that was much more effective. AND it would go on for a whole minute too. i would have no choice but to get up and switch it off or choke to death in my sleep.

it's that time of the year again. where i feel as though i'm at the cusp of something. but i never know exactly what "thing" i am at the edge of. it could go both ways. i just wait for something to tell me whether i should fall deeper into bitter solitude or gain that resuscitating step towards the light.
okay so i am starting to ramble already.

i need to do my CDP101 journal entries. 2500 words in total. daunting. but what makes me smile is that they are expected to be 5journal entries worth 500 words each. mhmm. makes it better.

ok i shall bathe now before attempting an all nighter.
toodles

Note to self: need to work on public speaking.

I need to wake up. Wake up and get out there rather than stay content with the grit and dust that is left in the wake of others more adventurous.

“ I had no time for boys who only offered the present. Love was the future. The always. The ever."
My Mental Milkcrat
http://betterthanfine.tumblr.com/

how strange. i think i've had enough of such boys. ok no wait. i've had enough of boys fullstop (fullstop)

I can't sleep. Apart from the short response paper and the 5 short stories awaiting me, I kept thinking of Bugs my old pet, thanks to the essays I had to mark from my creative Writing class. As I was holding Adso, I suddenly remembered that beautiful brown rabbit of 10years ago whom I caged up till the end of his days. Hidden at the back of the house, forgotten. I would occasionally say hello as i passed him to get to the bathroom. I would sit at the threshold of the toilet chatting freely to him and the night air when no one was around. Usually hiding from my parents or the homework that awaited; not so different from my current departure from the present.

Thoroughly guilt-ridden, I wonder how I could ever have been so cruel as to not have played with him more or let him out of his cage for some exercise. I think I actually kept him in there for a whole year without letting him out. I can't remember, but I think that's what I did. I should be reported to the authorities.

Even on the day of his death, I actually was horrified at the sight of him. He probably had been dead for awhile since maggots were crawling out of his ears. But I'd learned in the past year that rabbits were known to suffer from fly-strike. Apparently, the worst death a rabbit could encounter. Flies would alight on its body, lay eggs and as they hatched, the maggots would start killing the rabbit from inside out as it ate at the rabbit's insides. It was a slow painful death. And as I think back to how noisy Bugs would get jumping around at night, I realise now that he was probably suffering for his life. The image of his mangled body in repose after a long time suffering from this horrific illness with maggots hurtling from his ears will never leave me.

Oh God! I killed my rabbit! YOU STUPID STUPID GIRL! STUPID GIRL! I'M SORRY! oh God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Bugs...

I will never forgive myself for this. I am forever guilty.

What can I say to you, readers? You look at this and see a lame story about a ten year old's pet. Well i tell you to stuff it. Because this is an experience in my Life that have shaped the person I am today - the way I think and the way I treat others. So rather than look at it and think about how it's not much different from a simple Creative Writing essay I give to my primary sixes, look at it and see how it's like killing a man. You've never killed a man before? Well you've never killed a rabbit before in the worst possible way too, have you? They're both lives. Imagine a situation where you walk past a classroom seating a schoolmate looking gloomy and depresed. Instead of stepping in to enquire after his well-being you walk on. Come the morrow, you hear of his suicide in that same room. He killed himself a minute after you walked away. Would you have gone away with a clean conscience? Wouldn't you have asked yourself over and over what you could have done to divert him from his intentions? So inadvertently, you actually helped him to kill himself. The only difference is that he had a choice and he made it. Bugs could not speak and he was completely innocent. I killed an innocent animal. Not for food. Not for survival. But because I was and probably still am a stupid irresponsible little brat who couldn't care less and had no time for an animal amidst her busy schedule of daydreaming and schoolwork. I should have taken more notice. I should have been more caring. Man or animal, if we deserve to live, so do animals. Go ahead, look at it as the weak should perish, if you want to. But if so, you've completely missed the point.

Good for you.

Without you,
the ground thaws,
the rain falls,
the grass grows.
Without you,
the seeds root,
the flowers bloom,
the children play.
The stars gleam,
the poets dream,
the eagles fly,
Without you.

The earth turns,
the sun burns,
but I die, without you.

Without you,
the breeze warms,
the girl smiles,
the cloud moves.
Without you,
the tides change,
the boys run,
the oceans crash.
The crowds roar,
the days soar,
the babies cry,
Without you.

The moon glows,
the river flows,
but I die, without you.

Without you,
the hand gropes,
the ear hears,
the pulse beats.

Without you,
the eyes gaze,
the legs walk,
the lungs breathe.

The mind churns!

The heart yearns!

The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.
Cause I die, without you.

Without you.


-Jonathan Larson

As another day of payback fasting awaits, I have appropriately risen to eat a little something before hoping to finally get a bit of shut eye. The wee hours were spent dreaming about things bound, not to come to pass, lest Dorothy's hurricane whisks me off to an alternate universe not too far away. Today of all days. The first day of the school semester - for me - and here I am still typing. Unable to follow in Alice's wake.

A glass with milk stains sits beside me looking all empty as though it wished to resolve all this "half full - half empty" nonsense and instead propose a new paradox. One where it is a barren absence but at the same time a space ready to be filled. The brain whirs sluggishly but it whirs all the same with useless fragmented thoughts that refuse to piece together creating a - well, nothing that can be named for sure. Purchases of late haunt me and opportunity costs affront me. Money or no money, I am prey to capitalism.

i need to stop thinking. just for the 10 seconds it takes for me to fall into slumber.
stop.
stop.
please.

at the end of the three months of healing and resting, these are what I've done.
and it's bound to be boring. it's basically for me to reflect and put my life in perspective before school starts.
(not in any particular order)

1) worked for Pageone
2) worked for Mendaki
3) worked for Ben and Jerry's
4) got asked to do Creative Writing classes
5) went for HSS FOC
6) got sick with a temperature of 39.3 deg C
7) had a lot of sleep
8) interspersed with days where I had little to no sleep at all
9) applied for over 50 jobs at least
10) bought 4 dresses
11) bought 2 cardigans
12) bought 3 pairs of shoes
13) bought a hair straightener
14) bought hair dye (golden brown)- (still have yet to pluck the guts to actually do it)
15) bought some useless hair accessory
16) bought korean cosmetics
17) bought two more pairs of contact lenses
18) got my haul of sample sized Everyday Minerals' makeup
19) bought a pair of skinnies
20) re-read A Breath of Snow and Ashes
21) fasted twice
22) quit Pageone
23) learnt how to make milkshakes, brownies, cookies and smoothies
24) have estimated to start to learn driving next year May, with Syah - when I have saved enough
25) will be doing the Modules; Medieval Lit, Renaissance Lit and the Pragmatics of Writing and Rhetoric
26) still waiting for electives to be confirmed
27) OH! tried Fcup cookie for 2 weeks (doesn't work; or at least maybe because it was for a short time)
28) IMPORTANTLY: issue with h has sorta resolved/solved/morphed itself since we're both just pretty caught up with our own lives; TRICK: is to stay ever busy with everything else so that I never have to contend with the thought of being small, pathetic and people who make me feel small and pathetic. may sound like running away - but it's not. just a natural way things go...
29) discovered Zee Avi!
30) went for 2 sushi buffets
31) ALMOST went out clubbing twice with the girls
32) realised a pattern with h, that when i come online said person would put away or busy or if there were a sign that meant "dead" said person would so put it on. not as if i expect you to talk to me or what. idiot. makes you wonder how I even know this right? well I've been observant is all.
33) made 2 lists so far. haha

okok so now I am thoroughly tired of this list thing. seems like i've done so many things. but really just been working my ass off 7 days a week at my 3 different jobs and much experiences come from there. tired to relay some of them especially since this post was originally done in the hopes of letting my food settle before I go back to sleep to conquer a day of fasting. yay. awesome. goodnight and good day people.

I remember a time when all I had to worry about were my spelling test marks, the stains on my socks that the "traffic light" popsicle made everytime it melted and that cute pink eraser I saw at the bookshop and had to save up for. I remember always being comfortable with myself, sitting alone at the fitness corner and breathing in the scent of the sunbaked earth. Always for no more than a minute or two before I took another spot or went in search for company - for I was never a child who could sit still. There was a time when the whole level had to take a compulsory swimming course in the morning before starting lessons in the afternoon, we always had about 3-4 hours to spare before classes started and all my friends lived near school. When they all went home I was always left alone in school(since my house was all the way in Woodlands) to while away the hours until school was to properly start for the afternoon session. I usually sat alone in a corner of the school or under the sun talking to myself or humming some unknown song. I was a happy child - for most of my early primary school years that is, the last couple of years would prove to be depressing.

Many movies speak of the "coming of age" as something to be celebrated and exalted but illustrating it with first kisses and first dates. Being from a girls' school I never saw these hollywood images as benchmarks for my own coming of age. In fact, the whole notion of elevating this so called "coming of age" is overrated. What I would give to be able to go back to that era where time stood still in the fields where I ran as a child. To live those moments knowing nothing of the cruel world, experiencing no hurt nor pain incurred from others like me who have grown up bitter and vindictive; wanting to lash out at the world for the injustices the "coming of age" has made them see. Let me live in that time where boys were nothing but my brothers and my brothers' friends. An era where being a tomboy wasn't necessarily bad. A time where I could play and just forget the world. What I would give to have stayed a little longer sitting on that spot at the fitness corner under the sun, smelling the scent of sunbaked earth while I stared into the vague future - always just staring into the vague future but never realising it.

this made me shiver as I was reading it today...

"I want to strip you naked and see your inner self, the one you keep hidden because you think it’s not beautiful. I want to show you secret parts of myself. And I will transgress the rules to have you, because my desire is too strong to permit anything else."

Excerpt from S+M 101, by Mistresse Matisse, for F/lthyGorgeousTh/ngs.

Lolita has opened up a whole new world of nymphomania to me.

today, i thought of you.
but it's something I'll never say to your face.
not after how badly you keep hurting me. over. and over. and over.

and I wonder, were you ever a good person in the first place?
did you ever treat me right?
or was I the one being too sensitive?
was I the one provoking you?

maybe it was the both of us.

but something matched so wrong could easily be gotten over surely. but why am I still lingering over shadows of alternative futures and plans?
I need closure. a proper burial.
it's only humane.